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Well, it’s the end of another Christmas.  Hey wait, it’s New Year’s Eve so it’s actually the end of another year.  When did that happen?  Time really does go faster the older you get; some days it seems like the end of the day comes before I’ve even had a chance to think of plans for the day, let alone eat breakfast sometimes.  We took down the Christmas decorations this evening, a much faster but less festive process than putting them up.  Both Ryan and I can’t believe that another Christmas has come and gone; I wasn’t ready for Christmas to be here and now it’s over.  It seems this year has really flown by.  I’m sure having a baby in the middle of it contributed to that overall feeling, as well as a general lack of sleep over the past 5 months, but really I haven’t been prepared for the last half of this year.  For example, it took me a few days into November to realize that November contains Thanksgiving, which apparently it has for as long as I’ve been alive.  And since when did November come the day after Halloween?  Oh wait, apparently since forever.  Or at least as long as Halloween has been on October 31st.  Which to anyone reading this has been for forever.  I don’t know if it’s just because I’m suffering from a serious case of mommy brain, which some scientists claim isn’t a real thing, but obviously those scientists are men without wives who have had children or they would have been injured by said wives, or if it’s just because I’m getting older.  In either case, I know time isn’t planning on slowing down any time soon so hopefully the new year will find me getting with the program and able to enjoy each day as it comes while still remembering to plan ahead and check the calendar for the next upcoming thing.  Even if that thing is a major holiday that hasn’t changed dates in centuries.  And since New Year’s is a time for resolution making, I resolve to enjoy my children more, make spending one on one time with each of them a higher priority, and not always look forward to a time when they can do the next thing (walk, talk, go to school, etc), but enjoy them in the stage they are in, realizing they will never be there again.  Because time slows down for no one, not even me.

There is a wide variety of responses you get from people after you have kids.  For example, very shortly after having Ethan (too shortly in my opinion) I heard “when are you going to have another one?” pretty frequently.  Which was kind of funny because I also heard “another one already?” after we got pregnant with Isaac, and they aren’t THAT close together (20 months apart).  Then, after Isaac was born, we heard “so now you’re done right?” which we hadn’t really decided on one way or the other, but I felt that we weren’t quite done yet.  But it was like, you really need to make sure you have two kids but really, that’s probably enough.   Then we got pregnant with Chloe, and mostly just got strange looks.  Now that we have Chloe, mostly what we hear is “so, when are you getting your tubes tied?”  Not really, but that’s about what it sounds like.    And no, I don’t write this with some big announcement in mind (!) just as a little observation on the differences in responses you get depending on which child you’re on.

I read an article just the other day about the other milestones, the ones that aren’t in the baby books that you don’t realize will make an impact on your life until they happen, or until they have passed without you realizing that life was going to change after that point.  Some of them are big and significant, others are just little things that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else.  Things like preschool graduations, first parent-teacher conferences, mastering the slide at the park, or finally putting away the last of a piece of baby gear.

We’ve had a few milestones today, both of which have made me a little teary-eyed for basically the same reason.  The first was moving the baby swing back down to the basement for probably the last time to make room for the exersaucer in the family room.  I’m not entirely sure it will be a permanent move, Chloe still sits in it from time to time, but there is only so much room in here and right now she seems to prefer sitting with toys to sitting in her swing.  It’s a hard move for me, both because it means my little girl is getting bigger and already on her way to growing up, but also because we don’t really plan to have more kids and so it marks the beginning of the end of the baby phase.  I may need to put her in it at least one last time so that I will be aware at the time that it is the last time.

Our second milestone involved my oldest baby.  Tonight, just before dinner, Ethan informed me that he no longer wanted his booster seat on his chair in the dining room, that he was too big for it.  So I took off his seat and he’s now eating dinner on a regular dining room chair, albeit still covered in plastic which he also wanted removed but was told no which was a good call since he later spilled an entire glass of milk on it.  I asked him who told him he could grow up to which he gave his usual response of “not you mom!” and then he made me cry with “But I am growing up mom.”  Yes, my sweet special boy, mommy knows that you are growing up, and mommy is so proud of you.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean that mommy is ready for that, any more than I’m sure my mompy was, or her mommy before that.

So many of the milestones are beautiful things, little markers on our kids’ way to becoming independent, responsible (hopefully) and wonderful human beings.  They are bittersweet too, reminding us that our kids won’t be with us forever, but that is the way it is supposed to be.  Our job is to raise them and then let them go.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the small things and remember those little things along the way, marking the transition from baby to toddler to big kid and on.  And it definitely doesn’t mean that we don’t hug them a little tighter at each step along the way, rejoicing with them in their accomplishments and reveling in their beauty.  Because they are beautiful.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, yet again.  Don’t worry, I’ve composed many postings in my head, just haven’t had the time to get them out onto “paper”.  As I write, I can hear the door to my room upstairs opening signifying an end to the peaceful nap time I’ve been enjoying the past few hours.  So this may be brief, but I promise to get back to it.  Eventually.

We’ve been doing well around here, enjoying the holiday season that starts with Halloween and will end in January after the New Year.  The boys have really enjoyed decorating their thankful tree with many fall colored leaves listing the things that they are thankful for.  The most common of which have been family, each other, and random things like windows, pumpkins, and monitors.  I love hearing their little voices tell me at the end of each day what they have most appreciated around them, even if at times they try to be deliberately random.  They have done a better job reminding us to be thankful than their parents!  We decorate a tree branch to remind us visually to count our many blessings, a reminder that should not extend only to the month of November, but all year long.  Let the littlest among us lead the way.  Speaking of the littlest, he’s curled up under my arm, still sleepy from his nap, and asking for my attention.  So I will go and spend some rare one on one time with him before his siblings wake up, because I am very thankful for him.

We walked in our third Light the Night fundraising walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society tonight.  We started walking after one of our best friend’s son was diagnosed with leukemia before he was even two years old.  Pierce is doing well today and in the final stages of his treatment, his mom tries not to count down the days lest something happens to extend his treatment.  Another friend had her 3 year old diagnosed about a year later and he is progressing through his treatment as well.  Ryan walked with a gold balloon this year, in remembrance of his grandmother Maudena who passed away just days after Chloe was born.  It is a great, fun not being quite the right word, event to raise money and awareness about blood borne cancers and we are happy to help do some small share of our part.  It is a strange feeling to walk and look at all the balloons that are light up against the night sky.  One the one hand you are excited to see so many people helping and participating in the event, and on the other hand you are saddened by the thought of so many people’s lives touched by cancer.  I’m sure people who have walked for breast cancer or other diseases can relate to that.  We saw quite a few white balloons this year, survivors carry the white, and not as many gold ones in remembrance, small things to be grateful for.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m more aware as I’ve gotten older, or that I’m just older, but there seem to be more people walking and raising money for causes like Light the Night and various other diseases than ever before.  We’ve had friends raise money for breast cancer, prostate cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease, and many others that I’m not even very familiar with.  I guess it’s another sign of the decay that goes on in our world, and a sign of the hope that we have that we can actually make a difference from our corners of the globe.  God does not give us more than we can handle, and he gives us the support and courage to make a change in the lives of the people around us.  So if you’re reading this, thank you for ever donating to any cause and please consider even a small donation the next time someone asks for help.

At the risk of sounding not very “Christian”, I will admit that there are things I am hesitant to pray for.  So hesitant in fact that I really don’t pray for them, not without a lot of caveats at least.  Why, do you ask?  Because I don’t really want to go through what it might take to have those prayers answered.  For example, one of my old roommates in college used to get really mad at me when I’d pray for her for patience, which she did want to learn.  But every time I would pray for patience, something would happen that would really test her patience level.  This is exactly what I want to avoid.  I would like to pray for a greater dependance on God, but really dread what kind of experience he might use to get me to rely on him to a greater extent.  Would it take a serious injury, sickness, or even death?  These are all things I really strive to avoid.  Maybe he could just teach me reliance without using any serious examples.  But, given my thick head, I doubt it.  Thus I wish to have greater reliance on God but try not to actually pray for it for fear something would happen.  Yes, yes, I know, all things for the good of those who love him and all that jazz, but seriously, I don’t like it when bad things happen.  So I ask God to help me teach my kids, learn new ways to discipline them, love them to a greater extent, and the like.  And I tell him that they are his, and I do mean that, it’s just that I’d rather he leave them right where they are, thank you very much.   So while I do wish to gain a greater sense of his presence in our lives, I’ll keep praying with the caveat that he do that while maintaining our health and sanity.  Maybe someday I’ll hold things a little more loosely and be able to pray for everything exactly the way he would want me to, but for now I think God understands me right where I am.  After all, he can work with that.

Jesus is enough.

Ryan’s best friend

Ethan, Isaac, Chloe

Not enough sleep

Dishes, laundry, cooking

Motherhood, my calling

Need more sleep

Beautiful children’s laughter

Redeemed by Christ

What are yours?

It was so funny to look back at that last post and realize it was the day before our family went from 4 to 5.

We welcomed baby Chloe on the 16th, three weeks earlier than expected, but not a moment too soon.  She is an absolute joy, such a wonderful baby girl!  This time around I am enjoying the baby phase so much more than I have before.  With both of the boys I wasn’t really a baby person, I mean, they don’t do anything.  Well, besides eat, poop, cry, and sleep.  But really kind of boring.  This time I know that there won’t be any more babies (baring any miracles from God!) so I am enjoying holding, cuddling, and staring at my last little baby bundle.  She still doesn’t do much, but that doesn’t really matter this time.  Now I know how very fast this whole baby-child thing goes, not completely mind you since no one has left home yet and we still have some very long days, but so much more than the first time around.  That first time around turns 4 in less than a week.  And it seems like he has always been a part of my life and it’s impossible to believe he’s going to be 4, all at the same time.  I look back and can’t remember what we did before Ethan was born, I can barely remember what it was like to only have Ethan and not Isaac.  I think it will only be a matter of time before I can’t remember what it was like to only have 2 kids instead of 3.  To watch the three of them together is a beautiful thing, the boys are so gentle (mostly) with their baby sister.  They love to give her kisses, and Isaac especially loves to hold her.  There is not a hint of jealousy or resentment, I hope that lasts forever.  I love watching the sibling bond between my kids.  It may not always show up perfectly at home, but usually when we are around other people it shows up in full force.  Sometimes that force is a little excessive, but watching the boys each protect and defend each other from other kids is so sweet.  I wish they’d protect each other from each other a little more often though.  Anyway, having the three of them has certainly made me more busy but it has been an easier transition overall from 2 to 3 than the transition from 1 to 2.  The boys are older and have each other, which makes a huge difference.  It’s way more difficult to run errands now, but oh well, we’ll figure it out.  I love my precious boys and their baby sister, remind me to catch some of it on video – Isaac saying “baby Chloe” and giving her kisses, Ethan holding Isaac’s hand as they run through play areas (or “players” as Ethan calls them), Chloe looking at her big brothers wondering about them, the every day things that make up our lives.  And it is a beautiful life.

I’d heard of this phase for a long time, but thought I’d dodged a bullet with Ethan.  I thought the “why” phase was supposed to come around age 2, but he waited until 3 1/2 to start it.  At a time when why means more to him than it does a 2 year old so I actually have to come up with somewhat plausible explanations as to why something is the way it is.  This presents more of a problem than what you might originally think.  You think you’re a somewhat intelligent person with a decent grasp on the world, until you are asked “why?” 500 times a day for things that you really don’t have any idea about or aren’t really why-type questions.  Ethan loves to ask why things are broken, why this person did this or that, why there is a dip in the road, why, why, why.  And he’s not satisfied with answers that I could have gotten away with when he was only 2.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s curious and wants to learn more, but it is definitely taxing to try to come up with various reasons why a bulldozer may be digging a hole, why someone’s car is on the back of a tow truck, the ins and outs of water ditches, and all the other stuff.  Of course, some of his why’s are strictly to avoid doing something I ask him to do so those have to be managed a bit differently.  And some of his why’s are answered with a just because for lack of any better answer.  My personal favorite answer though is what do you think?  A lot of times I get an I don’t know (which is exactly what I would have said) but sometimes I get some very interesting answers.  And sometimes I just pretend momentary deafness and move right on past the why like I didn’t hear it because really, I don’t have all the answers though it is nice to think that someone might think I do some of the time.  Maybe someday I’ll know why all the construction equipment is doing what it does, but for now Ethan may have to settle with an “I don’t know, hey look at that plane!”

I have always loved the 4th of July; I’m not sure if it’s the fireworks, grilling outside, patriotic music, or extra time with family, probably a combination of all of those things.  It has long been one of my favorite holidays.  I like that there are no presents to buy, not much commercialization, other than a need for bigger and better fireworks, but really that’s something I can live with!  It’s not a Hallmark holiday like Valentine’s Day or one devoted entirely to candy or how much you can eat like Easter and Thanksgiving can sometimes be reduced to.  And it’s not near as stressful as Christmas or as controversial as Halloween can be.

I can remember as a kid singing patriotic songs in church during the first Gulf War, though I can’t exactly remember which song it was that we ended each service with.  I remember the feelings of pride in our country each 4th as we all wore red, white, and blue, held our sparklers, and listened to bands playing songs that are sung nowhere else in the world.  It always seemed that the 4th was an especially fun day to spend outside eating watermelon, roasting hot dogs, and running through whatever water source we could find.  You can do that on other days during the summer too, but it seemed like a special treat that one day a year.  This year, we have the pool filled up, the watermelon on the counter ready for slicing, and hot dog buns waiting to be filled at lunch time.  We’ll go to a friend’s house later today for a better vantage point for the fireworks and be up too late admiring the crazy things that fireworks technicians/engineers/pyromaniacs come up with.  It is that one American holiday that conjures up images of kids on bikes, ladies cooking for huge potlucks held under shady oak trees, flags waving on porches, and popsicles dripping down chins.  I know our country isn’t perfect, but today isn’t for that.  It’s for thanking people  like my two brothers, Will and Nick, who are not even in our country right now helping to keep us safe, and people like my grandfather who fought in war long before I was born to make sure that evil did not prevail.  So today, put your politics aside, grab a piece of watermelon, put your feet up, and enjoy a day that has come and gone over 200 times since our beautiful country was founded as one nation under God.